Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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