He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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