So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
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Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
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I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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