Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
