3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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