I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
