I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
