the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
