Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
