To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
