you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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