Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
