You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
