rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
