I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
