Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
