We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
sex in a hospital.. check
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
