I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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