After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
