I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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