I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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