saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
