I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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