her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
