I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
