im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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