I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
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he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
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He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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