That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
