just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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