This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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