I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
