Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
