I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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