Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize