he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
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I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
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I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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