VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
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The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
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I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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