FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
