just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
