I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
