Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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