I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
