I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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