I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
