this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
