if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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