I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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