I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
