I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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