he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
