so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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