I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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