wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
