I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
