If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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