i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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