my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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