You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
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I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
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Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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