worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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