Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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